8 Smart Ways To Successfully Deal With People Who Try To Use And Discard You
The
popular quote “Fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice, shame on me” doesn’t
hold weight when it comes to kind people. One of the attributes that most
humans usually take for granted is the kindness of another individual, and it
gets to a certain point where you need to be discerning with your kindness and properly
manage your reactions to people who try to use and discard you.
Users and abusers are people who may often misuse privileges and undermine your reactions to their misdeeds because they most likely see you as kind, forgiving, and gullible. They can be manipulative people who may have a sense of entitlement, overinflated ego, and intend to use your kindness as an edge against you.
Sadly, they have probably succeeded
in the past, but must be managed to protect your integrity, respect, and
resources. It may be a relative, partner, lover, or friend, but without the proper
and effective strategies to manage this category of people who are users and
abusers of privileges, it can get messy and become toxic later.
Image Source: Pixabay
It is important to identify this category of people early, manage your reactions to them, work out ways to address the issues they pose, and restrict their access to you. The good news is that when someone believes they’re using you, they may be playing themselves by exposing themselves for who they really are and risking the loss of someone good in their life. In this article, we will discuss signs and warnings that someone is attempting to use you, as well as control measures to deal with those who try to use and discard you.
Signs And Warnings Of Being Used Then Ghosted:
1. Excessive Display of Charm or
“Love”: If your intuition causes you to feel
that someone is disingenuously and overwhelmingly showing charm or love in a
way that seems fake, you may be correct. We as humans can almost detect when
some things don’t feel right or aren’t true - it’s called having a ‘hunch.’ If
someone suddenly becomes overly friendly, and charming, and claims to love you, it
could be a sign that they want something from you and need to earn your trust
first.
2. Emotional Manipulation: Most times, when an
individual is wrong and guilty, they may end up presenting their case which
makes you feel guilty and see them as the victim. They are probably triggering
a mini version of Stockholm syndrome in you. Once you notice this, you need
to act fast. Manage your emotions and protect your heart to avoid being taken
for granted or taken advantage of.
3. Ghosting At Will: In the case that a so-called
friend can disappear without notice and return to pretend like all is fine, you
should consider that they do not see you as important to them but only when
they need you. The most common things that usually accompany their return are a
request or sob story.
4. Favors: Some real friends may ask
for favors sometimes, and it’s no big deal, but constantly asking when they
know you will feel obliged to give to them, is a sign that your said friend has
identified a weak spot in you and probably intends to exploit it. If the said
friend appears disinterested when you need favors, that is a clear sign that
the relationship is reward based for him or her.
Image Source: Pixabay
How To Handle Users And Discarders
After identifying partners, friends, lovers, or
acquaintances who wish to exploit your kindness for weakness and discard you
afterward, it is important to handle them in the right manner to avoid fights
and messy breakups if possible. Contrary to the learned helplessness belief
that you can adapt to abuse and misuse in relationships, you can do something
about this issue.
You may be able to respectfully correct, manage, or even encourage changed
behavior in them if you follow this guide.
Here are some examples you can follow:
1. Be Aware: Don’t assume that everyone who
comes close to you has the best intentions for you. Learn to recognize and be
aware of when someone is overly friendly, charming, and/or manipulative, always
plays the victim, or repeatedly asks for favors. Study the patterns. It may
significantly help you.
2. Respectfully Put People In Their Place:
There’s no need to call everyone your friend or even name-call or raise your
voice with them when addressing their behavior. It’s okay to classify people as
acquaintances, associates, work buddies, and the like. By doing so, you won’t
feel obligated to be available to everyone. Learn and know who you’re dealing
with. Some folks may genuinely need help, while others may be out just to see
what they can get from you, even if they don’t need your help.
3. Be Direct About Your Feelings: Have an
assertive, respectful, and direct conversation with them about their behavior.
Sometimes, users don’t see themselves as users. They may feel entitled to and
come to expect what you’re giving or doing. Be clear about your relationships
and the extent to which you can render help. Make it clear that you are not
able to always help them. Be clear that you have personal obligations that
you must work on. After you do this, the users may back off or exit stage left.
4. Avoid Co-Dependency: This is primarily about
you. You can exist and be fine on your own when you put in the work and
persevere. Don’t be eager for attention, love, acceptance, friends, or the need to always help someone. Show
people and yourself that you have self-love and respect, and although you don’t
mind helping them if genuinely needed, you are enough without having to feel dependent or rely on them and they should learn to help themselves to grow and improve.
5. Set Clear Boundaries And Limits To Giving: Create
a threshold beyond which you will restrict access and charity. The limit could
be your car, clothes, family, money, or even a boundary within all of these.
Make it clear that you consider reciprocity and even at that you
are not open to doing just anything and everything. When abusers see that you
cannot be easily exploited or manipulated, they may retreat. Never expect that
someone will see the errors of their ways and change their poor behavior,
especially if they’re constantly benefitting from your kindness or favors.
6. Learn To Say No: Don’t be a doormat. Pull
back or stop giving endless favors to them, especially when they have a track record
of not being considerate, repaying, appreciating, or even offering favors. If someone owes you cash, for example,
there’s no harm in asking for it and restricting access to future loans. Learn
from how they treat you and respond with assertive yet firm and kind energy.
7. Be Selectively Available: You won’t die if
you don’t come through for them once, and they probably won't either. Allow others to appreciate and respect your presence and absence. Give them a lot of space if they appear
not to get the message after your conversation. Don’t be too present, and make
sure that your presence conveys how you feel about their behavior. Make them
earn your availability for events, favors, and other things, especially when
they’ve abused it in the past.
8. Cut Them Off: This is the last option. And
no, it is not extreme. If someone keeps exploiting you and is unwilling to
change their behavior after using all the measures above, then spare yourself
the stress. Put your peace and self-respect first, cease all contact, and let them stay gone
when nothing else works. Don’t accept their calls, texts, or emails when
nothing else works.
Image Source: Pixabay
Conclusively, the most important thing is to always
review your relationships and reactions. Don’t allow yourself to be used,
misused, and tossed aside as if your well-being and life don’t matter. Do not
settle for and seek therapy for any co-dependency or learned helplessness and don’t accept when
people treat you poorly in relationships.
Learn to stand up for yourself and restrict access
when your mercy and grace are threatened. Don’t wait till the worst happens,
and if someone ghosts you after a favor only to come back and pretend that all
is well, then extend empathy or kind words, but don’t extend favors. Don’t give
second or third chances to people who don’t mind endlessly using you. Learn to
read signals and reciprocate respectful and firm energy to individuals who attempt
to bring poor behavior into a relationship with you. Lastly, never settle for
less. You are worth so much more and then some.
References:
https://www.verywellmind.com/how-to-recognize-when-you-re-being-used-5207959
https://www.verywellmind.com/what-is-learned-helplessness-2795326
https://www.mindbodygreen.com/articles/how-to-fix-a-toxic-relationship
https://seekingalpha.com/article/4579930-fool-me-once-shame-on-you-fool-me-twice-shame-on-me
https://www.forbes.com/quotes/1716/