10 Best Ways To Remove Your Blinders And See Things How They Are
Sometimes, people may idealize
or fantasize about life, love, and social relationships and decline to
see and have a full understanding of negative or toxic situations. If you are
not a good judge of character, this can leave you experiencing a feeling of
confusion and void and prevent you from living in reality, making good choices,
causing you
emotional pain, disappointment, frustration, and even threats or actual harm to
your safety. You may be blindsided or self-deluded because you’re wearing
“blinders”. Wearing blinders in life can make it difficult to see beyond what
is in front of you.
Life would be great if the
world were always fair, but the world is filled with toxic and negative people. Toxic people may always sabotage your
efforts at self-improvement. They may, at the very least, slow your progress.
More specifically, would you want someone in your life who actively works against
making your life better?
Of
course, the answer is no. That can be difficult to accept until you begin to
recognize the effects of toxicity within yourself.
You
may second-guess yourself on an important decision while under the influence of
a toxic person. As a result, you may feel sad, uncomfortable, or even
embarrassed about your progress and well-being. You may even develop some toxic
qualities you despise in others, which happens to the best of us because toxic
people have a strange way of making you toxic yourself.
Consider your whiny social
media friend, your hurtful adult child or parent who never has anything nice to
say, or your partner or family member who can't be happy about your success. These
people drain your energy and should be dealt with — and possibly removed — from
your life. But, of course, you get to decide when and if someone should be
kicked out. After all, everyone has a different tolerance for negativity, and
everyone's definition of negativity is different. For example, one person may
perceive a comment as hilarious sarcasm, while another perceives it as a total
gut punch. It’s important to know when others are helping or hurting you.
So, if you're
tired of dealing with blinders in your life, here are 10 strategies for gently
removing your blinders from your life:
1.
Prioritize
Yourself.
You may be used to constantly putting your friend's or others’ needs ahead of your own, potentially sacrificing your fulfillment, happiness, and needs. You must be willing to be self-aware and honest with yourself and put yourself first for once especially when it comes to cutting someone out of your life. Invest in your healing after ending the relationship. It may not seem intuitive initially but letting go of a toxic relationship or overly dependent individual who is unwilling to change and improve themselves can free up more brain space for you.
2.
Avoid Frolicking
In Their Delusional Reality.
Some people are prone to viewing themselves as the victim
in every situation or rejecting self-accountability for their misdeeds. If they
make an error, they may always shift the blame to someone else or tell a story
that portrays them in a more favorable, yet false light.
You may be tempted to nod and smile to avoid an angry outburst
or fail to respectfully challenge their illogical reasoning or thought
processes. This may appear to be the most secure option, but it may place you in
the position of an enabler. Instead of agreeing with illogical reasoning or
incorrect facts, consider respectful disagreement. For example, you could say,
"I have a different take on the situation," and then explain what
happened. Stick to verifiable facts and avoid making any accusations. While
your disagreement may irritate them, it may also reduce the likelihood that
they may pull you into their illogical thinking again. If someone’s words
consistently match their actions in good or negative ways, then you should have
no issues with clearly looking into their intentions and seeing them for who
they are unless you choose to keep wearing blinders for whatever reason(s) or
they’re into being deceptive or playing mind games. Ultimately, your gut
instinct or clarity may kick in and you can proceed or withdraw from their
delusional reality, accordingly.
3.
Recognize
That It May Be A Process.
Getting rid of your blinders in a romantic relationship is
not always easy; they don't respect your boundaries now, so they may not
respect them later. They may return even after you have told them to leave, or
you no longer want to see them anymore.
Remaining consistent with your boundaries, distancing
yourself, and remembering WHY you left in the first place can prevent you from
going back to them and trusting that they will continue to give you what you
don’t want or desire because they most likely haven’t changed without extensive
therapy. Genuine change is a gradual process and takes time. So, remember that while their “apology” only takes minutes, true change and self-improvement
can take months or years.
Easily trusting their charming and enticing words versus
verifying that they’ve changed through positive, consistent, and non-harmful
actions can cause you to put your blinders back on. False hope and seeking short-term
and temporary gratification versus positive and consistent results can leave
you not wanting to accept the reality of toxic and dysfunctional love.
4.
Don't Feel
Obligated To Explain Everything To Them.
It can be tempting to coddle or go overboard to maintain a
relationship when you really like or love others who are toxic and mistreat you.
If true and genuine explanations you provide someone hardly or never suffice,
that is a red flag, and you should not deceive yourself to believe otherwise. Constantly
believing that you must explain every minor detail for minor or trivial
situations may mean that you may lack confidence, are insecure, see them as
superior to yourself, could be in an abusive relationship, and/or may
like hearing your voice. If it’s not something that could negatively or
significantly impact them or you choose to keep certain aspects of your
thoughts private, then remove any blinders that may be causing you to believe
that they must know every small detail of your day or past unless you and they don’t mutually mind. You may choose not to share with toxic individuals your
opinions and perspectives, which is a non-debatable subject. If you prefer,
keep it simple: by telling them politely and calmly that you don’t wish to
share, no longer want them in your life, and then leave it at that. It is
entirely up to you.
5.
Consider
Establishing Distance.
It’s okay to take a step back from others when you need
time for yourself. This can help you to remove blinders and see things how they
are in your relationship with them or others. You may not be able to cut all
toxic people out of your life completely, especially at work. Instead, it would
be best to distance yourself from them by occupying yourself with positive
friends and productive activities.
For many toxic relationships, especially with friends and coworkers, you may only need to make an internal decision to create space rather than having another larger conversation with toxic individuals. Remember, you owe no one an explanation. You can withdraw from their life to the extent necessary until you are no longer affected by their toxicity. That may seem obvious, but it is easy to believe that you must make you're distancing obvious and vocal when most of the work is on your side of the equation. Then, you can stop feeding the flames, just like a fire. Learn to accept that some people never nor want to change.
However, one situation in which you may need to act differently: is when toxic people are your blood relatives.
6.
Place
Your Relationship With Toxic Family Members Into Perspective
A toxic relationship with family members is a difficult
situation to be in. Unfortunately, there are no easy answers, nor are there
standard answers appropriate for everyone.
Managing the toxicity of family members may be one of the
most important moves you may make. No, we cannot choose our blood relatives and family members, but we can certainly choose our behaviors and reactions when it comes to
them.
Sometimes, some family members can have an uncanny ability
to get under your skin and directly influence your thoughts, behaviors, and
decisions. Relatives do not own you simply because they are related nor are
they superior to you. Universal respect can go a long way in maintaining and
building positive and close family relationships.
However, being a family member does not confer any special
immunity from toxicity. Relatives do not have a magical right to ruin your life, especially for any unresolved issues or disagreements. Keep that in mind. The
important thing to remember when dealing with family is to work on making
rational decisions and remove any blinders so that you can work on having a close and
loving relationship with everyone in your family. At the end of the day, there are no guarantees that this may happen, but at least you can gains some peace or closure knowing you have good intenttions.
Sometimes, briefly and respectfully greeting a family
member you see in passing may be as good as your relationship will ever be.
That’s okay if it maintains peace and avoids ongoing hostility, resentment,
arguments, and fights. You cannot force blood relative family members to act
like close, supportive, and loving family.
7.
Say No
And Walk Away If Necessary.
Do you have trouble saying no? If so, you're not alone.
Maintaining a refusal can be difficult, especially when someone tries to guilt
you into changing your mind or because you’re wearing blinders and refuse to
see things how they are. How can you say “No” when you’ve always said “Yes”
because you like or love them so much?
It may be easier said than done, but if you must say
"No," then don't back down. This may be difficult, especially if someone
uses a dramatic outburst to get their way. However, the more you practice
saying "No" to things that make you uncomfortable, the easier it can become. Plus, when presented with strong evidence or consistent proof of
change, a “No” can turn into a possibility if you’re irrefutably convinced that
you’re “Yes” will be safe and worth it.
You can also consider and weigh your options and
circumstances based on your history and track record when dealing with someone.
If you’ve caved into unhealthy demands from someone in the past, then remove
your blinders and realize that it’s likely that you’ll do it again unless you
have some proven, trusted, and/or practiced techniques or intervention that you
can utilize to effectively manage your interactions with questionable situations,
individuals, or groups.
Be
sure to get non-biased feedback from trusted family, friends, and others, and
assess whether you’ve experienced more positive or better results from your dealings
with them in the past. Avoid scenes and remove yourself from situations that
threaten your improvement and progress or if you haven’t put in the adequate
and appropriate work to properly deal with and address your challenges and
weaknesses. If you cannot physically leave, make it clear that you are no longer
participating in the discussion. For example, say "Excuse me" and
turn away. Essentially, you will need the time, boundaries, effective techniques,
and preferably, support to help you remove your blinders and see things how
they are. You will also need to learn from your past and the errors of others
and assess and reflect on your past interactions with others to help you remove
blinders and make better choices moving forward.
8.
Take A
Glance At Their Social Media.
Contrary to opposing viewpoints, social media is not all
bad. This technology can help you get a closer glimpse into the life, character,
and personality traits of others whom you deal with, dealt with, or wish to
deal with (again) in real life. We do not condone stalking (someone’s physical
location) or cyberbullying so make sure that you responsibly use and interact
with everyone on their social media page if it’s public, private, or restricted
to just friends or acquaintances.
If you know without a doubt that the social media page is
authentically theirs and you see what looks like inconsistencies or untruths
from what they’ve recently shared with you then depending on whether you wish
to pursue a social, business, or romantic relationship with them, then you may
want to remove any idealized circumstances, fantasies, or narratives you have
of them, address the matter(s) with them for clarification, or just walk away
altogether.
Oftentimes, someone’s social media page is pretty clear-cut
in its presentation. So, make sure you don't give someone the opportunity to bully,
deceive, or manipulate you. Regardless, be sure you've established ground rules
and keep to them because although someone’s social media page may be clear-cut
in its presentation, an individual or group can be the same, similar, or
different in person. Remove any blinders and see things for how they are if
it’s unmistakable or clear that their comments, images, and pictures are not in
alignment with your goals and values. This includes, if applicable, preventing them
from contacting you via social media or blocking them. Closing email and other
lines of communication with them may also be necessary.
9. Consider If You Wish To Speak With Them In
Public.
Sometimes, visiting social media can lead to real-life hook-ups, dating, relationships, and marriage. It's not uncommon for people to meet
someone through social media. However, someone may appear innocent or harmless
on their social media page and be toxic, belligerent, or violent if you meet
them in person. Meeting someone in public can even be risky but may significantly
reduce the likelihood of this happening. If you encounter difficulties, get up
and leave and make sure they don’t follow you home or to other places you visit.
You may even meet someone on social media through a trusted family member or
friend but don’t wear blinders and overlook the possibility that the man or
woman you were introduced to may have a hidden or dark side.
Never easily dismiss any red flags and especially a series of them.
10.
Speak With
Someone.
You might not think of it this way, but whenever you remove
someone from your life, it can be like breaking up with them whether it’s a
family member, friend, love interest, or spouse. As a result, you may be
saddened or disappointed by the breakup. Connect with your support system or a trusted mental
health professional to help you cope with these feelings. Be open to hearing
truthful facts and uncomfortable opinions and perspectives that you may not
have considered that can help you gain clarity and remove any preconceived
notions, barriers to accepting reality, and blinders that prevent your change,
progress, and growth.
Conclusion
Taking the blinders off in a family, social, dating, and/or
love relationship can help you with separating
fantasy from reality. Removing your blinders may appear to be the only way to
escape the toxic behavior of others as well as your self-denial or
self-delusion (at times).
Choosing to remain in the dark willingly or ignorantly can
leave your mental and emotional well-being at the mercy of negative and toxic
individuals or groups especially if the results are hurting you rather than
consistently helping you more. If you must spend time with someone who engages
in toxic behavior, remind yourself that their actions are neither your fault
nor your responsibility.
They must understand what you will and will not tolerate
and know your non-negotiables. Taking initiative and charge of your life to see
things for how they are and not how you wish them to be can help you remove
your blinders and be a better man or woman to increase and improve your personal growth and
development.
References
1)
https://allendalebaptist.org/toxic-people-christians-how-to
2)
https://mhanational.org/sites/default/files/Handout%20-%20Eliminating%20Toxic%20Influences.pdf
4)
https://www.lifehack.org/articles/communication/10-toxic-people-you-should-just-get-rid.html